Malts and Hops and Esters and Alcohol.

Some of the most spurious statements that I have ever heard said about me have all implied that I do not like to try new things. This is, in fact utter rubbish - but I completely understand where they are coming from when they say such a thing.

I am now twenty years-old, and up until this point in my life I have only very rarely bothered to drink or do any sort of drugs. And when I do take part, I have always done so only in strict moderation. As a personal standard, I don't even intake anything that contains caffeine - no chocolate, coffee, soft drinks or even tea - and have managed to maintain that regimen for the past nine years or so.

Understandably, most people find that to be just a pinch overboard. I often hear such reasonable criticisms as "You don't drink fuckin' tea?!" or "You don't fuckin' drink tea!?" or even "Why the fuck wouldn't you fuckin' drink fuckin' tea you fuck?!?!!" But they never understand that caffeine is the only thing I truly abstain from. I know that the minuscule amounts of caffeine in most foodstuffs aren't really that bad for you, and that chocolate treats are oftentimes delicious. In fact, the only real reason I even started boycotting caffeine, at least at the personal level was due to a bet that I had with a friend in middle school that I couldn't go even one day without having a pop. Then, as things with me tend to do, it all just got out of hand.

But other than caffeinated products, everything else is fair game, so long as it doesn't interfere with my thinking, as I have never been one of those people who finds that drugs heighten perception and analytical abilities. For instance, I will have an alcoholic drink from time to time - whether it be a mixed drink, wine or beer. And while the first two make a bit of sense to me, as they are a flavourful way to take in alcohol - beer has always disgusted me. I have long maintained that beer only tastes good to drunken people.

I find it to be obvious: beer was conceived and designed by drunk people, for drunk people. And my not enjoying it isn't so much that I don't try new things as it is my reluctance to try things that have so frequently disappointed me on every level in the past.

For instance, last night I had a Broon (Newcastle Brown Ale to the rest of you), a beer that once upon a time was brewed right in the grand county of, you guessed it - Tyne & Wear - and while it does have a certain unique flavour to it that is completely absent from many other beers, it still tasted quite horsepissy to me.

I find that it is practically the same across the board - even with beers that are perennial winners of various accolades (such as First Gold, Samuel Adams or even Guinness), they still have the unfortunate taste of beer that one has to get through in order to appreciate the fact that it was aged for sixteen months in an oak barrel, or that they seasoned it with honey and ground almonds.

It's probably that I just do not find hops to be that appealing. That, or it could just be that I'm incredibly lazy, because when the same logic is applied to wines I can completely see and understand what they were going for (and perhaps more importantly, why they would bother). Most likely, it is between the two and resides on the fact that I am lazy, and grapes taste much better than hops. Either way, I'm right - and everyone else is probably too drunk to care.