Song o' the Day: the Temptations - "Ain't Too Proud to Beg"

One of the most under-estimated groups in all of Motown's storied history also happens to be one of its most successful. The story of the Tempt--

[Note: We interrupt your regularly scheduled post to bring you this retarded short story written from the perspective of a thirteen year-old.]


PROLOGUE

A boy was born in a cradle. He was going to fight a witch. But not in this story. SCREW HIM. And we will.



CHAPTER ONE: Hormones begin to take charge in the nunnery.


“Oh, Brunhilda. The sun has suddenly changed. As have my...My thoughts concerning my nunning duties. I think of... carnal things.

"Carnivals?"

"Not carnivals. Carnal.
CARNAL.
Father Frank looks so... Well, never mind Father Frank. He’s kind of fat. But if he lost some weight I’d totally do him. WAIT. Brunhilda.
I’M A NUN.
I can’t think these things!”

Our heroine for the time being, Helga, clasped her hands to her bouncy bazoombas in anguish and stared at a crucifix, which was conveniently located in front of her, as it was, after all, a nunnery that she lived and lusted in.

“Oh, Brunhilda. What can I do? I feel I can’t stay here! My life is just... OH. ANGUISH AND AGONY. I must go pray. And whack off. I mean, pray. Just pray. Brunhilda, my character changes so quickly. Help me, Brunhilda. Help me!”

Brunhilda, a tall Scandinavian woman who rarely missed a meal, responded, “Eh?” She was, after all, very deaf. And very dumb.

Helga threw her arms in the air, causing her bazoombas to ripple gloriously underneath her nun suit. “I CANNOT TAKE IT! I quit! Farewell, nunnery! Whom I’ve never the time to learn the name of. I know Father Frank, though. Almost a babe. Fack. I mean... Rack?"

... And indeed she did, have a rack. Which she was going to learn how to appreciate, sometime. Possibly in the following chapters, as they are full of raunchy sex.


CHAPTER TWO: Helga appreciates her bazoombas.


“Oh, yes,” thought Helga, traipsing down the nunnery’s mountainside. “This was the best choice. Let me sing a tune. For I cannot possibly express my happiness in mere words.” She threw down all her luggage, and promptly wailed. Upon this, a young shepherd boy, who obviously was packing, heard this almost unbearable wailing coming from the direction of the nunnery.

“Oh, Christ. A dying animal.” He, too, dropped all his shepherdly things, which I assume would be sheep, to run and assist the “poor creature”. Finally, out of breath, he approached his victim, which he had discovered was not an animal, but a woman with large bazoombas. “Golly wolly,” said the shepherd boy. “What nice bazoombas you have.” Helga, overcome with joy and horniness, took a step backwards, and promptly fell off a cliff. The shepherd, dropping his jaw at this surprising sight, wondered where the cliff had come from, and then went home and jerked off.


CHAPTER THREE: I got bored of those characters. Here are some new ones.


This chapter is bold. Bold and saucy.

Why?

I’ll tell you why.

Because it tells the tale of two librarians on a search for WELL-HUNG... portraits. Ha, ha. Got you. You thought I was talking about sex.

Well, I am. These librarians are kinky.

So kinky, in fact, that their names are Pervy McPervperv and Sister Slutty. (Sister Slutty, of course, having once been interested in God, because he was hot. And naked a lot.) So anyway, about these librarians. Well, let’s hear what they’re talking about.

“Oh, Sister. I desire sex.”

“I agree. Sex would be nice.”

And so, there you have it.

“Wait, author! We enjoy penis!”

I know, librarians. I’ll get it to you.

“We want it NOW.
”

FINE.

Two young men decide to stroll into the library. One is tall, dark, and handsome - the other is not. But the librarians care not, for they would do anything with pants.
Sister Slutty batted her eyelashes.

“However may we assist you in your adventure?”

“Greetings,” said the tall, dark one. “I’d like to check out a book."

“WE’d like to check out a book,” added the not one.

Pervy McPervperv smiled coyly. “Which book?”

“The one that involves us DOING YOU.
”


CHAPTER FOUR: Raunchy sex.


Oh, goodie. The sex.

Well, both librarians decided now was the time. The men had been so polite in giving them their wish. So, they had to find a good place for banging. Well, the kiddie section was kind of free... Seeing as how children don’t read. So, the strangers took one another by the hand, and promptly porked. It went like this:

THE TALE OF PERVY MCPERVPERV

Pervy McPervperv decided that she wanted the tall, dark, and handsome one. Who was, incidentally, named Slurvy McSlurvslurv (he was Slavic). They had a nice, useless chat about the weather, and then the fun began. First, Slurvy decided the pants just HAD to go. On both parties. So, he ripped them off, because by golly, he was just too excited to unbutton them. There they stood, pantsless. But with socks on. And shirts, too.

“Okay. Off with the shirts and socks, then?”

“Well, okay.”

They both stripped. Not themselves, or anything - BUT ONE ANOTHER. OOH. Pervy lusciously spit all over Slurvy, who we’ll now be referring to as “Sly”, and he enjoyed it a lot. He moaned, wildly, like a wildebeest in heat. “Oh, yes,” he cried! “Yes indeedy! This doesn’t suck at all!”

“Oh, but it WILL,” Pervy assured him, licking his tall, dark, handsome shoulder. “Oh, hooray,” Sly said. “I like your bazoombas a lot.”

“Thanks, baby,” said Pervy, who had forgotten his name. “They’re on loan.”

This turned Sly on more than ever before. He madly reached his tall, dark, handsome hand down to her Pervy thighs.
She yelped in surprise, and then, because it was cold (OR WAS IT?) shivered crazily. “Oh, darling,” said Sly. “Are you doing alright? Also, are you a virgin? Because if you were, not only your bazoombas, but your purity will soon be placed upon my PENIS!”

“The bazoombas too?” asked Pervy. “Well, if you’re into that.”

He was, reader. He was.

After messing with her thighs some more, and fondling her heavily padded, yet still naked bazoombas, Mr. Winky was awakened. “What, ho, friend,” he called metaphorically. “We have a mission to accomplish.”

“Hello, hottie!” yelled Ms. Vagina. “Please, come in, won’t you? Come in out of the rain.”

Mr. Winky thought this was a great idea, and promptly stood up straight. Manners, of course. Sly and Pervy continued to moan, oblivious to the conversation of their genitals. “Ride me, cowboy!” yelled Pervy stupidly. (She obviously came from Texas. Also, ha ha - I said ‘came’.) Sly inhaled deeply, and mounted Pervy’s trembling body. His soft mouth blew all over her bazoombas, creating a rippling affect, which felt like yum. Yay yum. She felt toasty all over, and then, suddenly, THEY KISSED! They hadn’t before, you see. All that bazoomba action leaves little time for the lippy lips. But, now was that time. Also, I’m rambling. AHEM. NOW FOR THE CLIMAX!

“Holy cow, baby! Here I come!” Mr. Winky shouted.

“GOD! YES!” replied Ms. Vagina. “Hurry, oh DO!”

Pervy arched like a cat, saying, “I feel like a SEXED UP KITTY!” This slightly disturbed Sly, but he continued nonetheless, as her bazoombas had not decreased in size.

“KNOCK KNOCK, HONEY! OH YEAH! OHHHHHHhhhh GOD yes!” Mr. Winky screamed. (Sly said nothing.) Ms. Vagina was muffled for the time being ,but she still managed an “MMM!!” as this was a nice feeling that she didn’t feel often, because her owner is a librarian.

“SHALL WE DANCE?!” Mr. Winky demanded, rapidly wiggling about.

“MMM,” consented Ms. Vagina, and insertion was complete. Both parties wriggled about happily, like fishies and stuff. It was one hot party in the library. And they were the only two people invited. OH YEAH.

Meanwhile Sister Slutty and Not One played a game of Go-Fish, even though they took a small break to watch their friends, and the “fish” were really naked ladies in suggestive, saucy poses. “We’re horny too, dammit,” said Sister Slutty. “Let us in on the fun!”

And they did.

“Why, WELCOME!” shouted Sly, because he was happy.

Not One, whose name was Ipcus, looked at Sister Slutty, who looked right back at them, and the two began to madly lick each other’s buttons.

“Oh, your buttons are so round and BUMPY,” said, Ipcus, biting them off like a little ferret who likes to bite buttons.

“Why, yes, as are yours,” agreed S.S.

“ALLOW US THE SEX, YES?” shouted Dick, Ipcus’ fiesty young friend from below. And, without warning, Ipcus picked up S.S. and slammed her lithesome and suddenly naked body to the floor and jumped upon her like a dog.

“HA. YOU LIKE IT LIKE THAT, DONCHA?” Dick said, balling his fists and getting ready for a cockfight (oho!).

“Oh, Ipcus! You’re so manly and aggressive!” S.S. swooned as he cupped his hands around her bazoombas.

Ipcus, in a sudden fit of manly desire, shouted, “PUT YOUR PURITY ON MY PENIS.” And then he placed kisses of a butterfly sort all about her navel. S.S. shuddered happily, and then began to nibble a small piece of cloth which was lying nearby, because she liked to nibble fabric during sex-- WHEN SUDDENLY, Dick decided to TAKE CHARGE.

“I am captain of this ship! WE SOW SEED NOW!”

Kunt batted her eyelashes metaphorically, because literally, that’s just gross. Then she applied lipstick, which was conveniently located inside of her. You see, Ipcus was kinky. And he thinks lipstick is sex. Which most obviously it is.

So, anyway.

Dick and Kunt decided that it was time to join forces and fight crime via life creation.

“OOH!”

“AAH!”

“AHOOOOOOOOGA!”

“BLARG!”

“SHIBBIDY-DOO-DAH!”

“HUMMINA-HUMMINA!”

“I LIKE IT WHEN YOU TOUCH ME THERE.”

“I KNOW YOU DO.”

“PLEASE CONTINUE.”

“ALL RIGHT.”

“... HUMMINA-HUMMINA.”

And this went on for some time. Finally, Dick ran out of juice, and Kunt got tired.

MEANWHILE.
Back at the Perv Palace….

Sly and Pervy McPervPerv were also getting tired, and such as it may be, running out of juice. It looks as if the two librarians were going to have to end their once-in-a-lifetime experience quickly, lest the men get disgusted with them and their talking genitalia. Both parties of both people whispered a few nasty last words to each other (“Bottom.” “Sticky.” “Boob.”) and licked each other goodbye. Tall, Dark, and Handsome waved charmingly, and Not One belched. But it was kind of charming, too. Kind of.

“Well. Wasn’t that splendid,” Sister Slutty mumbled.

“Indeed, yes.”

AND SO ENDS our tale of wild, and utterly unbelievable sex. Perhaps, one day, if you’re good (and good-looking), something like this will happen to you (but probably not in a library). And hey, if you’re not - forget about it, reader. Because you can always become romance novelists, just like Danielle Steele!



THE END