[First of two posts today, next one to come in the evening. STAY UP, BITCHES.]
If someone uses the word 'motherfucker' (or alternately, "muthafucka") to describe you - it tends to mean at least one of two things:
1. You just said something stupid.
2. You ARE someone stupid.
And the only way to decipher which usage is intended, is to look at the activator word (or adverb, if you're still in school. Learning rules!) - which is almost always 'this' or 'that'. For instance, if the conversation leading up to the usage of 'motherfucker' went something like this:
Them: "Kobe Bryant is the greatest player of his generation."
You: "I don't know - Allen Iverson was the first to mix street game with NBA-level skills."
Them: "THIS MUTHAFUCKA, HERE!"
[Note: You can use this conversation as a template for your own lives. For instance, you could substitute "Kobe Bryant" for "Nine Inch Nails", Allen Iverson for "Radiohead" and "mix street game with NBA-level skills" with "successfully commit commercial suicide, without the mess of having to quit making music."]
... Then they are simply specifying that not only do they not agree with your specific point, they happen to find the entire foundation of your argument ridiculous. On the positive side, they are not likely to hold your statement(s) against you for any significant period of time.
However, if your conversation sounds more like this:
You: "What are you guys up to?"
Them: "Nothing much."
You: "Want to debate the pros and cons of holding up a Tesco and stealing all the cheesy snacks?"
Them: "Did you hear what that motherfucker just said?"
... Then you are most likely considered the 'stupid' member of your group - and nobody that you consider your 'friend' really likes you at all. In fact, the only reason they still associate with you, is the same reason a pothead tries to make friends with his dealer - so as to always have a steady supply (of weed in the pothead's case, and easy jokes that are all but set-up for them in the case of your 'friends'), and in the hopes of perhaps one day receiving discount merchandise (if you so happen to work at a Gamestop or something like that).
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
25.11.08
20.11.08
Both Sides of the Spectrum.
Things I Know:
- If the Phillies had lost the remainder of Game 5 that was played last night, at least two hundred people would have either died or suffered serious injuries in the riot that would have followed. And that's a conservative estimate.
- "Guesstimate" is the worst word ever devised in any language. Something is either a guess, a conjecture that has no basis in fact, that makes no effort towards proof beyond the sheer force of the guesser's belief that they are right - or an estimate, an approximation made after any length of time spent studying the subject being discussed.
Very different things, those two.
- Relationships (in the romantic sense), are often misunderstood. They are not alternating rounds of effort and ease, but are instead commitments to a consistent effort towards mutual happiness... Or at least they should be. But instead, generally they fall into one of the three following categories:
A.) Two people committed to consistently working towards each others' happiness, with the payoff being more in the other person's achievement of the goal than their own.
B.) Two people equally (relatively speaking) happy simply being around each other, as when compared to being entertained by others.
C.) Two people happy enough with one another to not desire for the situation to be changed.
- Playing card games, auto racing and curling should not be considered 'sports'. Because no matter how much demonstrable skill a person brings to the table, 92% of the event is determined in the random chance between their equipment either helping or hurting their cause.
Same goes for Scrabble, because if you get nothing but D's and O's, the best you can hope for is to spell 'odd' and hope that your opponent provides you with good opportunities in their word choices. Which basically means while Scrabble may require more knowledge - even the Quiet Game requires more actual skill.
- Anyone who has a favourite sport is much more interesting for it. Anyone who says they hate all sports, is a fucking tosser.
Dave Chappelle is funny. Nick Cannon is not.
[Note: I chose those videos at random. I'm still totally fucking right.]
-------------
Things That Confuse the Hell Out of Me:
- Why would God allow us to create the technology if we aren't allowed to use it? Why give humanity both the capacity for a growing intellect, as well as the infinite curiosity that we have?
[Yes I'm talking about abortion.]
- If the human liver has the ability to regenerate, why is it not possible to remove any portion of it that becomes cancerous, if the liver would in fact, regenerate?
- How is it that no country has ever come up with this solution for gay marriages: change all marriages to standard unions, and allow churches to select which unions they support?
- Is Joanna from Star Academy 8 a midget? By most accounts both Katy Perry and Leona Lewis are only around 170 cm (5'7"), and they both completely tower over this child. Jesus.
- Apparently you can be friends with someone for years, and know have the slightest clue as to who the fuck they are. This makes my head go numb with delirium. Serious delirium.
-------------
Yes I milked this post out of various YouTube clips... Does that mean I'm a real blog now?
See you on Saturday.
- If the Phillies had lost the remainder of Game 5 that was played last night, at least two hundred people would have either died or suffered serious injuries in the riot that would have followed. And that's a conservative estimate.
- "Guesstimate" is the worst word ever devised in any language. Something is either a guess, a conjecture that has no basis in fact, that makes no effort towards proof beyond the sheer force of the guesser's belief that they are right - or an estimate, an approximation made after any length of time spent studying the subject being discussed.
Very different things, those two.
- Relationships (in the romantic sense), are often misunderstood. They are not alternating rounds of effort and ease, but are instead commitments to a consistent effort towards mutual happiness... Or at least they should be. But instead, generally they fall into one of the three following categories:
A.) Two people committed to consistently working towards each others' happiness, with the payoff being more in the other person's achievement of the goal than their own.
B.) Two people equally (relatively speaking) happy simply being around each other, as when compared to being entertained by others.
C.) Two people happy enough with one another to not desire for the situation to be changed.
- Playing card games, auto racing and curling should not be considered 'sports'. Because no matter how much demonstrable skill a person brings to the table, 92% of the event is determined in the random chance between their equipment either helping or hurting their cause.
Same goes for Scrabble, because if you get nothing but D's and O's, the best you can hope for is to spell 'odd' and hope that your opponent provides you with good opportunities in their word choices. Which basically means while Scrabble may require more knowledge - even the Quiet Game requires more actual skill.
- Anyone who has a favourite sport is much more interesting for it. Anyone who says they hate all sports, is a fucking tosser.
Dave Chappelle is funny. Nick Cannon is not.
[Note: I chose those videos at random. I'm still totally fucking right.]
-------------
Things That Confuse the Hell Out of Me:
- Why would God allow us to create the technology if we aren't allowed to use it? Why give humanity both the capacity for a growing intellect, as well as the infinite curiosity that we have?
[Yes I'm talking about abortion.]
- If the human liver has the ability to regenerate, why is it not possible to remove any portion of it that becomes cancerous, if the liver would in fact, regenerate?
- How is it that no country has ever come up with this solution for gay marriages: change all marriages to standard unions, and allow churches to select which unions they support?
- Is Joanna from Star Academy 8 a midget? By most accounts both Katy Perry and Leona Lewis are only around 170 cm (5'7"), and they both completely tower over this child. Jesus.
- Apparently you can be friends with someone for years, and know have the slightest clue as to who the fuck they are. This makes my head go numb with delirium. Serious delirium.
-------------
Yes I milked this post out of various YouTube clips... Does that mean I'm a real blog now?
See you on Saturday.
11.11.08
Black to Back to Black.
Yes, I've been black - but when I come back, you'll know-know-know.
Instead of jumping into more 'serious' posts right out of the gate, let's have a buffer of more lighthearted material - shall we?
Q: How do you make a six-year-old girl cry twice?
A: Fuck her in the ass, then wipe your dick on her teddy bear.
Q: What's the difference between a politician and a bag of shit?
A: The bag.
-------------
A few weeks ago, there was a cruise ship that experienced near-total engine failure while it was heading from Miami, Florida to Kingston, Jamaica. The ship was stalled for the night, sitting in the Bermuda triangle - a fact which the captain and his crew were very wary of informing the passengers about. In fact, they managed to keep the fact that the ship had not moved on engine power for around eighteen hours to themselves, by just keeping the lone working engine on low power - even though any single engine couldn't dream of moving the heavy ship, even on full power.
All night, a very windy storm threw waves into the ship's hull, subtly pushing it off course - and by the time the repairs had been completed in the morning, they found the ship's equipment telling them that they were now turned to face nearly the opposite direction. After calculating the time that would be lost in turning back around and heading in the proper direction, the decision was made to dock at the nearest available port - in the Cayman Islands.
As the ship sailed, the storm continued - and after being hit by a series of particularly heavy waves, the ship's engines again failed. The storm continued, and the crew did their best to keep the ship on course, but due to the storm and their remote location - their navigation and communications equipment, which was never working properly - had completely failed.
The ship ended up tipping over, and sat laying on its side just off the coast of one of the unclaimed islands just east of the Caymans. Three passengers - two men and one woman - managed to swim to the nearest shore. They quickly discovered that while their cell phones had absolutely no chance of working, there was a plentiful amount of food - and even a small freshwater oasis not far from the shore. They made a shelter, and began searching for other people on the island.
A few years passed, and not once did they come into contact with any other human life. The unanimous conclusion was finally reached that they would likely never be found, so they decided to try and forget their past lives and just do what felt natural.
Well, after a few years of having either (or both) of the men at her whim, the woman began to feel guilty about what she had done. She felt that although they had been faced with an incredible tragedy, there was no excuse in abandoning her morals - and just letting herself be used for casual sex all the time. So she decided to put an end to it, and committed suicide. Of course this was very hard for the two men to take. But they banded together and reached the decision that they had been through a lot worse, and that surely they could make it through this.
After awhile nature once more took its inevitable course, and not even six months had passed by and the two men began to feel that they understood how absolutely horrible the woman must have felt about what she had been doing.
So they buried her.
-------------
A guy walks into a whorehouse and tells one of the girls he wants a blowjob. The girl takes him to a room and proceeds suck him off without a condom. While she does so, the guy sees a half-full bucket of sperm beside the bed.
He disregards the strange sight as he enjoys the best blowjob of his life. A second later, he shoots his load into her mouth. She takes every drop, but instead of swallowing, she spits the cum into the bucket.
The guy wonders aloud, "Don't like swallowing, huh?"
She wipes her mouth and replies, "No, another girl and I have a bet. Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets."
-------------
That's all for now, see you on Thursday.
Instead of jumping into more 'serious' posts right out of the gate, let's have a buffer of more lighthearted material - shall we?
Q: How do you make a six-year-old girl cry twice?
A: Fuck her in the ass, then wipe your dick on her teddy bear.
Q: What's the difference between a politician and a bag of shit?
A: The bag.
-------------
A few weeks ago, there was a cruise ship that experienced near-total engine failure while it was heading from Miami, Florida to Kingston, Jamaica. The ship was stalled for the night, sitting in the Bermuda triangle - a fact which the captain and his crew were very wary of informing the passengers about. In fact, they managed to keep the fact that the ship had not moved on engine power for around eighteen hours to themselves, by just keeping the lone working engine on low power - even though any single engine couldn't dream of moving the heavy ship, even on full power.
All night, a very windy storm threw waves into the ship's hull, subtly pushing it off course - and by the time the repairs had been completed in the morning, they found the ship's equipment telling them that they were now turned to face nearly the opposite direction. After calculating the time that would be lost in turning back around and heading in the proper direction, the decision was made to dock at the nearest available port - in the Cayman Islands.
As the ship sailed, the storm continued - and after being hit by a series of particularly heavy waves, the ship's engines again failed. The storm continued, and the crew did their best to keep the ship on course, but due to the storm and their remote location - their navigation and communications equipment, which was never working properly - had completely failed.
The ship ended up tipping over, and sat laying on its side just off the coast of one of the unclaimed islands just east of the Caymans. Three passengers - two men and one woman - managed to swim to the nearest shore. They quickly discovered that while their cell phones had absolutely no chance of working, there was a plentiful amount of food - and even a small freshwater oasis not far from the shore. They made a shelter, and began searching for other people on the island.
A few years passed, and not once did they come into contact with any other human life. The unanimous conclusion was finally reached that they would likely never be found, so they decided to try and forget their past lives and just do what felt natural.
Well, after a few years of having either (or both) of the men at her whim, the woman began to feel guilty about what she had done. She felt that although they had been faced with an incredible tragedy, there was no excuse in abandoning her morals - and just letting herself be used for casual sex all the time. So she decided to put an end to it, and committed suicide. Of course this was very hard for the two men to take. But they banded together and reached the decision that they had been through a lot worse, and that surely they could make it through this.
After awhile nature once more took its inevitable course, and not even six months had passed by and the two men began to feel that they understood how absolutely horrible the woman must have felt about what she had been doing.
So they buried her.
-------------
A guy walks into a whorehouse and tells one of the girls he wants a blowjob. The girl takes him to a room and proceeds suck him off without a condom. While she does so, the guy sees a half-full bucket of sperm beside the bed.
He disregards the strange sight as he enjoys the best blowjob of his life. A second later, he shoots his load into her mouth. She takes every drop, but instead of swallowing, she spits the cum into the bucket.
The guy wonders aloud, "Don't like swallowing, huh?"
She wipes her mouth and replies, "No, another girl and I have a bet. Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets."
-------------
That's all for now, see you on Thursday.
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